Something is KILLIN me...

I love supporting the African American community regardless if its literature, film, restaurants, or anything. I just want to help better my people. Tonight I was at Hastings I came across this film title “Something is Killing Tate”. The film is an African American Independent film that has won recognition at several film festivals. FYI: When you rent movies at Hastings they don’t give you the original case so I don’t know much information on the film.

I don’t want to ruin the film for anyone who plans on watching anytime soon but a snippet of the film:

This black man fails at his attempt of suicide and the film goes through these moments in his past that lead up to the reason for his attempt. Finally at the end the film the childhood event is revealed. His friend tells him that there is a reason that he attempted failed. He finds joy again in his life. This pain that he has been carrying around all his life is lifted. The last slide in the film is this quote -

This film is dedicated to the many children who lost their innocence far too soon. May the strength in your spirit continue to shine.



After finishing the movie and reading this short quote, tears flowed down my face. Not a tear but TEARS. I can’t believe I’m about to share this with a world of people that I don’t even know but it’s time for me to release this pain I been carrying around.



This quote touches my heart because I feel as if my innocence was stolen from me. From that very moment I was no longer a free spirited child but a young girl who would always been burden by her past.



When I was younger, probably around 7 or 8, I was sexual molested by a friend of the family. I can’t remember his name, what he looked like, or anything. The things I do remember is he used to let me drive his car. He would take me to the park, let me sit in his lap and steer the car. One day he starts grinding against my bottom while we’re driving. It wasn’t until he took me home that he said that it was our secret. At that time I didn’t know what was going on or the fact that what he did was wrong. I remember this happening several times. There was this one time my mom dropped my sister and me off at his apartment (can’t remember if it was the weekend, during the day, or summer break). All three of us climbed in his bed that day and watch T.V. At some point my sister went into the other room to sleep. That’s the day he took things to a new level by having me get down to my undies. He never violated my “womanhood” but he always grind against me. I have blocked that out of my mind for so long… “Something is Killing Tate” release all those memories I tried to forget about.



Then when I was fifteen and this old man at church used to say sly comments to me. He used to say shit like “If I was your age” or “You may be 15 but you surely do have woman curves”. He used to compliment me on my dress or how pretty I was. I used to smile and keep it walking. Then one day he had to take me home from church (don’t know where my mom or stepfather were) but I remember the car ride. He placed his hand on my knee and told me if I ever had any questions about anything that I could ask him. If I wanted to know about boys and sex that he could teach me some things. Again, I just smiled and turned my head. He didn’t stop from there. One day he came to drop something off for my mom while she was away from the house. He noticed that I was home alone…skipping the unnecessary parts. That was the night I lost my virginity. I didn’t tell anyone but a couple of days later out of the blue my mom asked me if I was still a virgin. I said no but when she asked who the guy was all I could do was lie and named some guy I went to school went. I didn’t want to get in trouble. After that I hated going to church, I hated having to see his face, and I hated the fact that I couldn’t/didn’t say anything to anyone.



Let’s forward to college…

There is another incident with a guy friend. He had been drinking and we were in his dorm room alone. One thing led to another… there was some kissing but by the time I realized my pants were off and he was reaching for a condom I didn’t want to engage in this sexual activity. I said the “command words” such as “stop”, “no”, and “get off me”. I remember that night… when I walking back to my dorm it was a good inch of snow on the ground. All I wanted to do was take a shower and go to bed. I don’t know what overcame me but by the time I reached my dorm I was in tears. Instead of heading to my room I stopped at my best friend’s room. She questioned on what happen and if I was alright. Through the tears all I could say was “I think something bad just happened”.



That’s the night I got my strength back. That’s the night I overcame the pain and hurt. That’s the night I stop being the victim and stood as the survivor. My friend encouraged me to report what happened. Even though now I wish I would have just buried that pain with the other incidents. It was the right thing to do. I did it for all the girls without a voice, for all the girls that couldn’t find the courage, and for all the girls that lost their innocence too soon. I did what I did because of that quote – “This film is dedicated to the many children who lost their innocence far too soon. May the strength in your spirit continue to shine.”

It’s been four years since that last incident and I’m a better person. I had to share my story to let go of the pain. I have to realize that I survived and I’m no longer the victim. I forgive all those that took advantage of me. I forgive myself for not having the strength for standing up for myself then.

I dedicated this blog entry to the little girls, the young females, and the college women that lost a part of themselves when someone stole something so precious from them.



Until next time….